


the choices we made

by mutemelody



Series: these ghosts we carry [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, Character Turned Into a Ghost, Child Neglect, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-03
Updated: 2018-10-03
Packaged: 2019-07-24 09:58:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16172774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mutemelody/pseuds/mutemelody
Summary: She dies in a storm of electricity in the midst of a much larger plot. She is just a mere piece in someone else’s game. There’s a monster in her head and a seal on her heart and blood in her mouth.And so when death comes for her, she recalls the stories of shinobi who kept their devotion past the end itself. She remembers and then she digs her fingers into her reality like claws, refusing to slide away even an inch.Death comes for Nohara Rin, but she refuses to follow.





	the choices we made

**Author's Note:**

> Additional warnings:  
> -There’s one small line in this that hints at suicidal thoughts. This was not my intention, but I realized it when I went back to edit. It’s not prevalent enough to warrant a tag, so here is your warning.  
> -Themes of self-depreciation (not deep, but repeated and prevalent. Rin is only a ghost so she can't stop the events of canon, and it breaks her heart).

She had, of course, heard the stories when she was younger. She had made her father repeat them over and over - the tales of shinobi who didn’t stop even in death. Who stayed, who persisted, who _endured._

They were little more than whispers in the wind - impressions and shadows - than real people come back to life. It was the small things. A kunai that should have hit but was slightly deflected off course. A rustling that served as a distraction at just the right moment. Just a bit more chakra to do one more jutsu.

She was awed as a child. Lost in a fantasy of ghosts and heroes and defying death.

And why wouldn’t she be? She had lost her own mother, a proud kunoichi, before she had ever known her. Why wouldn’t she take to the stories of the shinobi like her mother that defied death, in hopes her mother still walked with her?

Real life, however, was just simply not as clean as the stories.

(It rarely ever is.)

Somewhere after graduating from the Academy, she had abandoned fairytales and whispers and fully devoted herself to reality. To what family she had left, to her friends, to her _village._

She left behind the murmurs and musings, but she never quite forgot them. They stay by her heart quietly - hidden, but not locked away - until the moment of her death.

She dies in a storm of electricity in the midst of a much larger plot. She is just a mere piece in someone else’s game. There’s a monster in her head and a seal on her heart and blood in her mouth.

 _I’m so sorry, Kakashi._ She whispers, but she knows it’s too little too late. She’s left behind the last member of their trio, and she left in the worst way possible.

And so when death comes for her, she recalls the stories of shinobi who kept their devotion past the end itself. She remembers and then she digs her fingers into her reality like claws, refusing to slide away even an inch.

 _I’m not done here,_ she hisses. _My time may be up, but I’m not finished yet._

Death comes for Nohara Rin, but she refuses to follow.

 _I can’t leave. Not yet._  
  
_I cannot rest while the people I care about still breathe._

_I’m sorry I made you kill me, Kakashi, but just know that I won’t leave you._

* * *

 

Rin’s body is buried in Konoha’s cemetery.

Her funeral is nothing special. She is just one grave among many. Just one more life lost in this bitter war.

What is special about her, however, is that she _stays._

She walks among the rows of white headstones, barely conscious, barely aware, but still _there._ Invisible, undetectable, dead, but not _gone._ Not quite. Not yet.

Some part of her knows Kakashi is there, speaking to her, but she cannot get a tight enough grip on reality to hear him properly. She keeps flickering, shifting locations. She tries to stay in Konoha, but a second later and she’s suddenly in the middle of Iwa, far away from anywhere the war has touched. Another second and she’s deep in the center of Suna, hidden in darkness and shadows and on the wrong side of prison bars.

She’s able to return to Konoha, though, thank Kami. She just needs to gather her consciousness and concentrate, and the next thing she knows she’s in sensei and Kushina’s house.

(It doesn’t seem to work on Kakashi, strangely.)

(In fact, it seems the only one it works with is Kushina.)

* * *

 

She understands when she's suddenly face to face with the Sanbi.

She learns many things that day.

She learns that she’s only still around _because_ of the Sanbi. They were connected when she died, and had passed on together.

The only difference was that the Sanbi would reform soon - a beast of pure chakra could not be killed so easily - while Rin would not.

She is just an echo - an imprint in reality made of the bijū chakra that had been forcibly intertwined with her soul. Chakra _she_ had unknowingly seized in the moments after her death in her last-ditch effort not to leave completely.

And, miracle of miracles, it had _worked._

She’s connected to the jinchūriki that way, she eventually pieces together. She’s able to roam a bit, but her spirit is linked with the eight who walk their world as the embodiment of human sacrifice. Those are who she is truly connected to. Not Kakashi. Not sensei. Not any of her family. Not any of her classmates.

Just some eight random people, scattered across the Great Elemental Nations. Eight strangers. Possibly eight enemies.

Then she realizes that it’s not eight strangers, but _seven._

She’s just wandering, walking in that blurry area between death and life where dreams and ghosts lie. It’s the only place she can really feel _whole_ nowadays - her grip on the world of the living is still too shaky, and she is afraid to venture to far into the world of the dead in fear of never being able to return.

All the jinchūriki are asleep, and she can see glimpses of their dreams. The one in Taki who holds the Nanabi dreams of rivers that glitter in the sunlight and laughter at riverbanks. The one in Kumo that holds the Nibi has nightmares of losing precious people to faceless figures.

Then, suddenly, she stops.

The one in Konoha who holds the Kyūbi stands in front of her, and Rin can do nothing but simply stare.

That jinchūriki dreams of three little genin that don’t seem to get along but still _do._ That jinchūriki dreams of them having a sensei with hair as bright as the daffodils in the Yamanaka’s flower shop. That jinchūriki watches with a smile on her face and bentos for them all in her hands as the two little boys fight while the little girl tries to break them up.

“Kushina-nee-chan?” She whispers, her voice too quiet to be heard over the yells of Dream-Obito and Dream-Kakashi.

It’s okay, though. She watches the dream, feeling the most alive she has since her death. The world is still hazy, giving off an unrealness that only dreams hold. There’s still no warmth from the sun on her skin and the breeze passes right through her, but it’s okay. She’s okay.

She’s dead, and Kushina’s _still_ cheering her up. The fiery Uzumaki was incredible.

(She’s glad Kushina’s dreaming of good things. She doesn’t know how she’d be able to handle walking into a nightmare that’s far too close to her reality.)

(She visits Kushina’s dreams often, and makes sure they stay full of good things.)

* * *

 

The Sanbi reforms in her old reality, only to be immediately sealed away into a Kiri-nin named Yagura. He’s a loud boy who likes sweets and crocodiles and the color green.

Rin decides to chase away his nightmares as well.

(She doesn’t stop there, of course, because why would she abandon the other seven? They’re just as connected to her as Yagura and Kushina.)

(None of them asked for things to be this way. Why should she blame them for the burden others forced upon them?)

* * *

 

Sometimes, she thinks, she’s visible.

Not halfway or translucent in the way people see ghosts, but completely. People see her and their eyes look away, thinking she is just another face in the crowd and not knowing that she is the dead amongst the living.

Her hold on the realm of life _has_ gotten stronger, she knows, but she didn’t suspect it would ever be _this_ strong.

She realizes this slowly. It’s when the Hachibi’s jinchūriki looks at her a bit longer, frowning slightly as if he knows something’s not right. It’s when the Rokubi’s jinchūriki tenses when he looks into the mirror and sees her there.

“Who are you?” He demands, tense and alert.

Her eyes widen in surprise, and she unconsciously pulls back towards Kushina. It’s too instinctive for her to counter, and by the time she is able to get back to the boy it’s already too late and he can’t see her anymore.

She’ll be passed off as just another illusion or trick. A genjutsu prank or a sign of insanity from holding a bijū.

Only the jinchūriki really notice her. They’re the only ones who don’t look past her. It’s as if something is telling them that she’s connected to them, or that something just isn’t _right_ with her existence in their reality.

Then one time _sensei_ sees her, and his eyes keep moving before he freezes and turns. She tries to smile, to meet his eyes, but there’s far too much sadness and guilt in her for the smile to truly be joyful and his light blue eyes are so full of confusion and _hope_ that it hurts too much to look into them directly.

He pushes through the crowd, but by the time he’s on the other side she’s already gone.

The Ichibi jinchūriki does not see the ghost of a girl crying next to him. He can’t see her right now.  
  
He can’t see her crying because of another reason. Because of something else Rin learns that day.  
  
Ghosts aren't alive enough to be able to cry

* * *

 

Kakashi is avoiding Kushina, which means Rin can’t see him, and it’s frustrating to all hell.

She catches glimpses of him when Kushina visits the cemetery to pay her respects. He’s either leaned over her grave or standing by the Memorial stone, speaking to quiet for her to hear.

By the time she gets close enough he’s already gone - off to the world of cold porcelain masks and shadows and blood that he’s promised himself to - far beyond Rin’s sight.

Then Kushina gets pregnant, and he’s suddenly always there. Not as Kakashi, though, but as Hound. The mask hides his face and whenever Rin looks at him she sees one eye belonging to a dead man and one eye that wishes to walk amongst the dead.

She grieves for Kakashi, because he might have killed her but at the same time _she_ killed _him._ She died right in front of him, in front of him with _Obito’s eye activated._ Kakashi would never forget Obito, but now he simply _cannot_ ever forget her.

She knows she made mistakes the day of her death. She knows she is not innocent or blameless.

She has _so many_ regrets.

The worst part? She wouldn’t take any of it back, because she still cannot see another way. A better way.  
She knows it has to exist, but she just _can’t see it._ She’s still just that stupid, young, naïve kunoichi who couldn’t save her teammates even in death. She’s had time and hindsight and she _still_ can’t see a better path than the one threw herself on.

(Maybe one day she’ll admit to herself that one of the reasons she doesn’t want to travel to the Pure World is because she doesn’t want to see Obito after what she’s done.)

So she sits with Kakashi and she watches him, but it is not without a heavy heart and a grieving soul. She wants desperately to reach out - to hold him despite how much he always hated it, to hug him and tell him it’s okay she doesn’t blame him for anything because it was _all her fault._

But she can’t do any of that, so she just sits with him and watches over him while he watches over Kushina.

(It turns out that ghosts are the ones that watch over the watchmen.)

* * *

 

The birth of Kushina and sensei’s child was supposed to be simple. All precautions were taken and all guards were in place.

It was supposed to be simple, _smooth._

Then everything went to hell, and things are _far_ from simple.

 _That_ man breaks in, the man with the strange mask and impossible abilities. He kills the guard and he takes the baby and he releases the Nine Tails and he _ruins everything_ Rin has tried to protect after her death.

She’s kneeling next to Kushina. The woman is weak and drained with the removal of her biju on top of childbirth. Her red hair is splayed out and there’s a thin coat of sweat covering the kunoichi as she struggles for each breath, but she has the strength to smile at the small baby boy lying next to her.

“It’ll all be okay,” She whispers soothingly. “You’ll be okay. Mommy and Daddy will make sure of it.”

Rin watches helplessly, because that’s all she can do. She’s tried, but nothing else _works._

She wants to heal Kushina.

She can’t.

She wants to fight with Minato.

She can’t.

She wants to save her village.

She can’t.

She wants to save her _team._

She _can’t._

And so she’s forced to watch the couple die. To watch her _sensei_ and Kushina - the woman who was like a mother to her - leave their reality to join her’s. They die in a storm of fire and blood and chakra and hatred incarnate.

Two die and two are left behind.

_“His name…is Naruto.”_

She rubs a ghostly hand over the new jinchūriki, barely an hour old. He can’t feel her - he _shouldn’t_ be able to feel her - but his cries quiet and he blinks two wide eyes. They’re so, _so_ blue. Sensei’s blue. Sensei’s _son._

She closes her eyes and focuses. She can’t help the boy in front of him anymore, but she _can_ help someone. Or try, anyway.

Sensei is out of her reach. He has promised his soul to the Reaper, and even if he hadn’t Rin doesn’t know if she’d be able to help him. She was never connected to him.

She is, however, connected to Kushina.

No spirit had appeared before her when she died. No one who she had loved appeared and gave her a choice. No one had helped her, talked to her, _comforted_ her.

Kushina had helped her so much. It is time for her to return the favor as best she can.

Suddenly, she finds herself in limbo. It’s the same place she walks when she’s moving through the dreams of the jinchūriki, because isn’t that what sleeping really is? Walking close to the line of death, while still living?

There is no blood on this Kushina. No exhaustion, no sweat, no _death._

She is dead, of course, but she does not show any signs of it here.

“Kushina-nee-san,” She calls, and the woman whips her head around to look at Rin in surprise. She gives her former sensei - because Kushina really _was_ her sensei, just as much as Minato was. She just taught Rin more about life than fighting.

“I saw you.” Kushina breathes, her voice choked with emotions as she looks at Rin with tears in her eyes. She takes a small step forward, her hand reaching but making no attempt to actually close the gap between them. “I _saw_ you, ‘ttebanne! I just...I just thought…”

Rin shakes her head, cutting off Kushina’s words. “It’s okay,” She assures her, taking a few steps forward and grasping the outstretched hand gently. She’s unable to see the woman who was her mother in everything but blood cry any further. She hates this. Hates how she has to watch while a mother is forced to leave behind her child. Hates how this strong woman has been pushed to tears.

Hates how she’s jealous of Kushina’s ability to _cry._

(She wonders, briefly, if her own mother cried like this when she had to leave Rin behind.)

“It’s just…you’re…I’m…” Kushina’s hand has drifted up to touch Rin’s cheek, and unlike every other time Rin has tried to interact with something since her death, it actually connects and brushes against her skin.

It makes sense, though. They’re both in the same reality now.

Kushina’s hand gets firmer grip as the woman tenses, and tears begin to fall. “I left him behind. I left him _behind.”_ She sobs, curling in on herself slightly. Rin grasps her arms firmly, sinking to the ground with the former jinchūriki. “I...I _know_ how bad it is...being...being an orphan jinchūriki in Konoha. But...but still I…” She grips Rin tighter. “I left my son _behind_ , dattebanne. I left him behind like my people left me.”

“It’s okay, Kushina-nee-san. It’s okay.” She whispers, brushing the woman who was the closest she had to a living mother’s tears away. She presses their hands together. “I promise he won’t be alone.”

Kushina smiles sadly at her. “You can’t promise that, Rin.”

Rin just shakes her head. “I can, and I _will_.” She says firmly before helping the Uzumaki stand up. “Look around you.”

Kushina does, wiping away her tears with her sleeve as she does so. She frowns, as if noticing they are in the land of not-quite-living and not-quite-dead. “Where are we?”

“There’s...no name for it exactly.” Rin confesses, looking over the familiar, eerily non-ghosty landscape. “When I died, I was still connected to the bijū that had been sealed inside me. I used that connection to cling to consciousness.”

Kushina blinks, “You’re...you were a _jinchūriki?!”_

Rin nods grimly, beginning to walk down a rocky path and Kushina follows. “It’s still hazy, but...when the Kiri-nin captured me, they forced the Sanbi inside of me. It wasn’t - _I_ wasn’t stable. I wasn’t meant to be.” She explains, “My body wasn’t strong enough to handle a bijū and the seal was made to be faulty.” She places a hand over her heart unconsciously, as she remembers the pain she had felt there _before_ her death. It’s like something else had been wrong, _extremely wrong,_ but her memories are still too scrambled to fully know.

Kushina looks at her sadly, before reaching an arm around her. “I’m so sorry, ‘ttebanne. You didn’t deserve that.” She whispers.

Rin shakes her head. “Kakashi didn’t deserve what I did to him either.” She reminds her. “But we must deal with what we have when we can, and accept what we cannot change.”

Kushina stares at her for a moment, before smiling. “You were a fine kunoichi, Rin.”

Rin is unable to help but to smile in return, “That means a lot coming from you, Kushina-nee-san.”

Kushina beams, before reaching and grasping Rin in a tight hug. She returns it, needing the comfort while she still can get it.

She feels a few tears leaking through, to her absolute surprise. She had thought ghosts couldn’t cry.

(It turns out she had just been too dead, and too lost in the land of the dead to remember what it was like to be _alive.)_

“I’m still...I’m still there.” Rin says, wiping away her tears as she comes to a stop. “I’m still able to be in the world of the living. The jinchūriki - I can still help them. I can still help your son.” She looks into Kushina’s eyes and grip the red haired kunoichi’s hands with determination. “I swear on my own grave that I will not let Naruto suffer if I can help it.”

“I trust you,” Kushina smiles softly, before her voice returns to the loud and boisterous tone it had always been. “After all, you learned from the best!” Kushina then frowns, looking around. “Where are we?”

Rin smiles, before grabbing Kushina’s hand and bringing them over the last ridge.

The woman gasps as soon as the landscape before them comes into view, letting go of Rin so that a hand can go to her mouth. She halts immediately, before taking an unconscious step back. Tears fill her eyes once more, but Rin knows they’re not full of sorrow.

“H... _How?”_ Kushina breathes, and Rin smiles at her, before looking at the sight in front of them.

“It’s like the legends say,” Rin reminds her, “When Uzushio stood, it seemed to have a spirit of its own. Now go, Kushina-nee-san.” Kushina turns to her in shock, and Rin smiles once more. “Go rejoin your people. I will take care of your son.”

Kushina looks at Rin, before back at the thriving Uzushio. “When did you get so mature?” She tries to joke, but she’s too emotional to really commit to it.

Rin just looks back at her and does not reply. She does not want to speak of the dark side of death now. She does not want to speak of her time spent drifting, barely aware, barely conscious, but in _pain._ She does not want to talk about the lost time of her screaming, shouting, begging for people to hear her and never receiving a reply. She does not want to mention the times she sat on the ground, curled up, trying to cry but never quite managing even that level of life.

(Death changes a person, all shinobi know.)

(They just assume it only changes the people left behind.)

“They’re waiting for you,” She just says, moving to walk away.

“Wait!” Kushina says, stipping her in her tracks. “Where’s Obito?”

Rin freezes, before looking down.

“I don’t know,” She admits. “I’ve been...avoiding the land of the dead.”

She can practically _hear_ Kushina’s frown.

“You haven’t talked to him.” It’s not a question.

“I’m not really a part of the dead yet. I don’t know if I can venture far into their lands and still be able to return. Besides…” She turns to face the woman once more. “What could I say?”

_That I failed in the worst way possible?_

_That I made Kakashi kill me and then leave him to suffer alone?_

_That I forced Kakashi to break the promise he made to Obito - his dying wish?_

“‘Hello’ does pretty well when reuniting with an old friend,” Kushina comments mildly.

Rin doesn’t think of a reply immediately, and before she can she’s already being pulled back to the land of the living, the land of _life._

Because even though Kushina and sensei are no longer alive, the world still moves on.

It always will.

* * *

 

The next few years in the reality of the living test the boundaries of Rin’s emotional capacity as a ghost.

Turns out, even ghosts can get _really damn angry._

Rin feels that anger when she looks at Ni’i Yugito, not even at double digits, being taken from her family and isolated so she an be a perfect soldier.

Or when she looks at Rōshi, bitter and hardened and abandoned by his village after a life of only service simply because he refused to be a weapon of destruction.

She feels rage whenever she looks at any of the jinchūriki. At the abuse, neglect, and suffering they have to bear. At how they are the power of human sacrifice in the _worst_ possible way.

Most of all, she feels it when she looks at her village.

Konohagakure rebuilt after the death of its Yondaime, but it still _fell_ in a way. In the way it _mattered._

She had lived and grew up in wartime, and still that Konoha had been far nicer.

She did not die for _this._

For Kakashi to be forced to stay in ANBU, trapped in a world that just broke him a bit more day by day.

For Naruto to be discriminated against, scorned and isolated simply because of something he did not choose.

She died for a Konohagakure that believed in comrades, teammates, friends, _family._

She did not die for this place. She can barely even recognize it.

She glares at the back of the Sandaime as he exits the apartment, leaving Naruto - who is _five_ \- alone, staring at the envelope that contains all the money he is to receive for the entire _month._

Naruto whimpers slightly, lost, confused, alone, _so_ _alone._

Rin is not one to break a vow or a promise - especially not to the people who are precious to her - so she gathers herself together as best she can. If she focuses hard, and if the connection is strong enough-

“Naruto,” She calls, and the boy hears. He perks up, head snapping to face her instantly, the loneliness draining away.

“Who are you?” He asks loudly, volume coming from the curiosity of a child and the voice of one who fears the silence.

She smiles, “I was a friend of your parents,” She explains gently. “I’m here to help, if you want.”

His eyes are wide, so wide, so _blue._ “My parents?” He echoes incredulously. He’s so innocent, yet he unconsciously breaks Rin’s heart with his next words.

“I have parents?”

When the Sandaime dies, Rin is going to be there. She’s going to go there and yell and interrogate him why the _hell_ she thought this was a good idea. She is going to share with him every fragment of anger she has collected towards him in her entire existence in the most unpleasant way possible.

She doesn’t care that he’s the Hokage, he’s also a man. A _father._

She had been good friends with Kurenai, and, in turn, Asuma. She knew that his presence in Naruto’s life was barely less than it had been with his own son. The man was a great shinobi, worthy of the moniker of the Professor, but he was also _horrible_ with the children under his care.

Rin holds her rage and sadness inside her with the trained skill of a kunoichi, and does not let her kind smile waver. “Yeah! Your father was my sensei, but I was also really close with your mother. It’s almost like you’re my little otouto.” She pretends to scan the room, before leaning in conspiratorially. “It was your mom who sent me, actually. No one else knows I’m here.”

His eyes widen, and despite him having Minato’s coloring, the mischievous grin on his face is pure Kushina.

“Wait,” he says suddenly. His own voice has dropped to a whisper. “Is my mom…?” He gestures vaguely.

Her heart breaks a little more, and slowly shakes her head. “I’m so sorry. _She’s_ so sorry. She didn’t want you to be left alone, though, so…” she forces a smile back onto her face and gestures at herself, “Hello!”

(She has little experience dealing with kids, having died young herself, but she thinks she’s doing okay so far.)

Naruto looks sad for a few more moments, before realization hits him. “How did you talk to her?” He asks.

She gives him a conspiratorial grin. “If I tell you, you have to promise not to tell on me, okay?”

He nods eagerly. “I’m _not_ a tattler!” He exclaims proudly in the loudest whisper Rin has ever heard.

Rin nods agreeably before she tells him.

“I’m a ghost.”

His eyes widen in surprise. “A…a _ghost?_ No way!”

She shrugs, before she reaches for Naruto’s head lightning-fast. Her arm goes right through him. He shivers, going cross-eyed trying to look at her arm that appears solid but _isn’t._

“Woah!” He yells as she removes her arm, all thought of secrecy gone with his excitement. “That’s _so_ cool! My nee-chan’s a ghost, ‘ttebayo!”

 _Nee-chan._ She had only been half-joking when she called him her little younger brother. It was true, they _would_ have been like siblings if things had been different, if things had been _happier._ Their family would have had Kushina and Minato and her and Naruto and Kakashi and Obito _._

She had thought all of that well lost by now. But to now hear Naruto call her that, with his own version of Kushina’s famous verbal tic?

The boy may have unknowingly broken her heart but he had also just stitched it back together.

* * *

 

Rin keeps a special eye on Naruto throughout the years, growing steadily fonder for the boy while at the same time collecting more anger towards Konoha.

Because, _really?_ The only supervision the boy ever got were by ANBU, and that was a cold and distant connection that she doubted Naruto was even aware of. They were people who hid behind porcelain masks and killed their hearts for the sake of the mission. They were the ones who destroyed everything they had in order to fully dedicate themselves to the village.

How did this happen? How did no one _see?_ _  
_

He’s depressed in a way she couldn’t cure. She can tell it in the heartbreaking joy he has everytime he sees her and the false happiness over a soul-crushing loneliness that shines on his face when he realizes that she has to go.

Children need love and affection the same as nutrition and air. They need hugs and head pats and protection and _everything a ghost couldn’t give._ The best she can do is fend off his nightmares of a village that hates him and all the people who scorn him, but that didn’t help because his nightmares were also _reality._

(She hates to think about what Naruto would be if she wasn’t there.

But still, she tries. She welcomes him home and offers him good luck on his ventures. She makes sure he eats right and goes to bed at a reasonable time.

She can’t be fully there, the way a parent or a sibling or even a _friend_ could be, but she tries. By Kami, she _tries._

Then Naruto enters the Academy, and everything changes.

**Author's Note:**

> My tumblr is mutemelody.tumblr.com talk to me there


End file.
